Full Circle
by hifield
Summary: Sometimes the decisions we make in life take us down a road best left un-traveled. But if we truly are the sum of all our experiences then those difficult journeys must be taken and reflected upon.


_Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Stargate Atlantis or the awesome characters._

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Some said they were glad to be home, glad to be back on Earth…but not Jennifer. She grieved the day they'd settled the City in the San Francisco Bay, awaiting a time when they could return to the Pegasus galaxy. A time she now feared would never come.

What was it about Earth and politics? There were more agencies than she could count trying to get control of the City but all she wanted to do was fly home and leave it all behind.

These were the thoughts running through her head as she looked beyond the dance floor to the tables across the room. Her eyes came to rest on Katie Brown, sitting with her friends secretly watching the door … waiting for Rodney to make his appearance.

Jen knew that's what Katie was doing. Before last week that's what she'd be doing … what she'd always done. Waited for Rodney.

Waited for him to show up for a date.

Waited for him to remember her birthday, or Valentine's Day or the anniversary of some special milestone for them.

Waited for that spark they'd struck to build into a raging fire that couldn't be extinguished.

Waited.

After all this time she'd finally admitted all the waiting in the world wouldn't have gotten them any further than where they'd ended it. They'd been stuck. They'd lost their forward momentum. Rodney had known it too; she'd seen it in his eyes every time she'd searched his face. So their talk last week came as no surprise to either of them. It was finally over.

They'd both cared too much to dwell on it, to try and fix something that was irreparable. She knew he loved her, had the video confession to prove it, which she watched occasionally to reassure herself. In hindsight it was the video that'd pushed her into his arms. She'd been flattered that one of the most desirable men on Atlantis would be interested in her. Still, just getting to that first real date had been a lot of work … warning sign number one.

Jen nursed a glass of wine as she sat staring off into space drifting back to thoughts she'd had earlier in the evening.

* * *

Moving over to her bed, Jen sat for a few moments wondering if she should claim a headache and stay in bed for the evening. She should be getting ready for the big dance but couldn't stop thinking about Rodney.

It was Atlantis' turn to host the monthly social and they'd gone all out to preserve their reputation of throwing the biggest and best parties in two galaxies. It was an unwritten rule that department heads would attend and mingle for the first hour. It was always considered a good morale booster. She didn't have the heart to attend especially since tonight would probably be the betting pool payout for their breakup. Actually, she was a bit curious who the winner would be. How sad is it when your only motivation to attend a social function was to see who bet against you finding true happiness. Ronon was right… Earth people were weird.

His honesty was one of the qualities she most appreciated about Rodney when they'd first met and to a degree still found endearing. Most just thought him rude and arrogant but she'd looked beyond the annoyance seeing the little boy who blundered about, always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Smiling to herself she remembered sitting with him in the infirmary after the mine fiasco with their hands bandaged. She'd tried flirting with the man insisting he owed her a beer, a lame attempt to find some reason to spend more time with him. That was probably the first time she'd realized how much she admired the man and wanted his company.

Her thoughts began drifting back settling on her encounter with Kiryk and the whole kidnapping ordeal. Rodney had been so worried, so desperate to find her. He'd been extremely attentive afterwards not wanting her out of his sight but not knowing how to express himself. So he lurked around the corridors for days afterwards trying to be inconspicuous while keeping a protective eye on her. He'd managed to find excuses to show up in the infirmary with various concerns including a possible hangnail. He confessed his fake illnesses to her after they were together, patting himself on the back for the perfect plan. After all, no one would suspect him of faking a medical concern since he had so many. He was very proud of himself for that particular ploy.

Jennifer found herself smiling again as she continued on her trip down memory lane. There were so many wonderful endearing qualities about the man, recollections that would forever be in her heart but at the end of the day that's all they'd be … fond memories.

Jennifer stood walking to her closet to decide what to wear. She usually dressed for these events with Rodney in mind and what he'd like to see her in. Now she had to make the decision for herself and knew sweats and flip-flops were a little too casual. Kind of like their relationship. They'd moved from passionate infatuation to over familiarity in a matter of a few short months. In that time she'd lost her dear friend and her first love leaving her drifting in a sea of sorrow. She prayed this season in her life would be short.

After dressing, Jennifer moved back to her bed with thoughts of their parting conversation. She hated good-byes. Hated those awkward hugs and fake sentiments given to make people feel better_. It's not you it's me… You deserve someone better…_ _I'll miss you when you're gone...Knowing you has made me a better person … I know there's someone special out there for you. _At least she could count on Rodney to leave the platitudes to the simpletons as he referred to those with an average I.Q.

She'd wanted to rise above petty jealousies and release him to pursue Katie's affections. Wanted to encourage him to return to his first love with her blessings. But she was too hurt to be that benevolent, _let him figure it out on his own,_ she'd decided. Now that Atlantis was back on Earth there were many opportunities to run into Katie during the course of the workday. Too many times she'd caught Rodney glancing in Katie's direction as she'd passed in the hall or as they sat across the room from her. Those soulful glances were what caused Jennifer to honestly examine her feelings, she'd longed for him to look at her with that same intensity.

After a month of soul searching it finally hit Jen one lonely night as she'd watched the moon sail across the bay… her life had disintegrated into a Lifetime Channel movie. A tale of lost loves and rebound affairs and she had the starring role as the other woman. She was kicking herself now for being so naïve, for not realizing that she was filling the void after Katie fled. The only consolation was that Rodney didn't recognize his own part in his break up with Katie, which meant that Jennifer wasn't the only clueless person in Atlantis.

She'd always considered herself the holder of the title for least experienced in matters of the heart but in hindsight she might have to share that distinction with Rodney. He displayed so much passion for the scientific side of his persona, driven to be the best, to save the day, but bombed with the social and romantic side of life.

Remembering back to their final good byes, Rodney had ended their relationship by stating "I have no regrets". At the time she'd just smiled and agreed with him. But she did have regrets. Hell, she had a whole boatload of regrets. She regretted failing.

Regretted losing the rapport they'd once had, that easy chatter between friends.

She regretted the nights of insignificance she felt as Rodney prattled on about his problems with colleagues or his brilliant accomplishments.

She regretted the lonely nights she'd spent waiting for him to show up for a planned date or to acknowledge her presence once he'd bumbled through his half-hearted excuses about saving the universe.

More than losing Rodney's friendship she regretted losing Ronon who'd quietly drifted into the shadows hurt and confused once she'd chosen Rodney. Her Satedan protector will never know how sorry she was for a decision made out of fear. Oh well, that was spilt milk and this was not the time to revisit lost opportunities.

And she regretted losing her relationship with Katie Brown. Too many hurts, too much water under the bridge to ever recover the friendship they once shared.

Yeah, she had regrets.

* * *

Evan and Laura made their way over to her table and plopped down pulling Jennifer back to the present. Laura began rubbing her ankles and complaining about the lack of shrimp on the buffet table.

"What's with the jeans and sneakers? Thought we had to dress up for this wing-ding?" Laura complained looking over Jen's attire.

"Only if you're dressing to impress," she answered winking at Evan.

"Why is it you always look like a million dollars? I swear, you'd look good in a paper bag," Laura grumbled pulling off her high heels to rub her feet.

"Thanks, it's been a while since I've had a nice compliment," she said moving over to bump shoulders with her friend.

"You may as well get use to it now that you're back on the market," Evan said grinning.

"Evan!" Laura growled kicking him under the table. At his wince she added, "You're lucky I don't have my boots on."

"What? I've had a lot of guys already ask me if the rumors are true including a couple of my own men," he said defending himself.

"That's okay, maybe you can spread the word I'm not interested," Jen mumbled hoping to change the subject. "Why aren't you two dancing?"

"You tired of our company already?" he whined, acting hurt.

"I've put in a long enough appearance and I'm getting ready to leave … your babysitting duties are done," she smiled sadly.

"Sweetie, you should stay and visit for awhile," Laura said concerned for her best friend.

"We'll catch up later," Jen promised. "I'll meet you for breakfast in the morning and I expect a full report on who won the betting pool."

"Okay, I'm off for a walk before I call it a night. Enjoy yourselves," Jen winked hugging both of them before heading toward the back of the room.

Jennifer grabbed a few bottles of beer from the makeshift bar to keep her company the rest of the night. Quietly slipping through the crowded room she made her way to the exit heading for her favorite hiding place out on the east pier.

* * *

She was just finishing her second beer when he showed up.

"Hey … thought I'd find you out here," he said sitting down next to her with his own bottle of beer. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just watching the stars and pretending," Jen said as a tear slowly made it's way down her cheek. She felt his fingers gently wipe the sorrow away as he shared the view.

"Do you miss it?" he asked as they gazed at the night sky.

"There're a lot of things I miss," she said lingering a bit too long on his face. "Especially the Pegasus," she added looking out across the water.

"Me too," he agreed.

"Here's to the home we left behind," Jen said raising her bottle to his in a toast. She was glad he'd come to keep her company.

"So, I heard you broke up with McKay. Must have been hard," he sympathized.

"Yes and no. We both knew it was what needed to be done but my pride still took a bit of a beating. I'm not good with relationships but then who is," she lamented twisting the top off another beer. "_Weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning_. I've heard my dad quote that so many times I'm thinking about having it etched on his gravestone when the time comes," she confided. "What if the morning is actually the other kind of morning … like the sad kind, like when you miss something, you know like mourning a death," she explained. "Maybe it mean's that you find the joy when you mourn something," she wondered aloud.

"Do you feel joy?" he questioned. "Cause you really don't seem very happy right now."

"You're right, I'm not very happy but it does feel like someone died. Why do you think I keep making mistakes?" she rambled.

"How many of those have you had tonight?" he asked nodding toward her beer.

"Either not enough or too many. I lost track a long time ago," she confessed. "I'm thinking I've got the weeping part figured out, hell I've been doing it for a month now. But I think I should change it to a _headache comes in the morning_ or maybe _a hangover_," she laughed sarcastically.

"There'll be joy again, Doc, but it may take a few mornings before you feel it," he offered.

Jennifer sat looking out at the water nodding her head in agreement. It would take a while before she felt better but she knew her friends would be there to help, hopefully he'd be there to help.

"Do you ever think about sneaking down to the gate room late at night and dialing somewhere in the Pegasus and just going home?" she asked wistfully.

"Yeah, but then I think about Chuck pointing his 9mm at me and calling for security and I change my mind," he grinned.

"Well if you ever decide to try it will you promise to take me with you?" she asked hiccupping.

"Promise, Doc."

"Everything seemed so much easier when we were back home," she whispered.

"You wanna get something to eat?" he asked turning to look in her eyes.

"We've come full circle haven't we," she said softly. "I'm tired of making mistakes … I'd love to get something to eat," she answered.

He reached down pulling her to her feet and continued to hold her hand as they slowly walked back through the corridors of the city they loved - pretending, just for one night, that they were back in the Pegasus galaxy before it all fell apart.

The End


End file.
